It is April 14 2014 and I lay in my youngest daughter’s bed. It is the night before Passover a balmy spring evening. in one hand I clutch her pink flowered blanket as if it can protect me and in the other a burner phone that I had purchased earlier that morning to replace my iPhone 4.
I had gone shopping telling my husband that I was taking care of last minute Passover needs but in fact I was putting into action the first steps of my plan.
For years I had been feeling trapped in my marriage.
Like something was dying inside of me.
When I had finally asked for a divorce my husband told me that if I left him I’d never see any of our 10 children again.
And then one by one the older children stopped talking to me only punctuating the silence with insulting emails and threatening phone calls.
I knew I had to do something.
I had sacrificed enough
It was several days before Passover and the Rabbi suggested that I go away for the holiday with the younger children. It would be good for me to get a break from all the tension at home he said.
The children were delighted, this was so exciting.
But their excitement did not last long. When their father heard about the plan he called them into a study one by one and insisted that they belong at home
The next morning I got a call from the rabbi.
“Your husband is okay with you going away for the holiday but he tells me that the children don’t want to go with you”
I was devastated
Once again I had been manipulated and trapped. But now for the very first time I refuse to back down, I paid attention to my own needs and began to make plans to leave for Passover.
I toss and turn in bed and it is now 11:13 p.m and I hear a loud thump from the study downstairs as my husband closes his heavy books. The tall dark wooden doors creak as I hear him walk up the stairs towards our once peaceful marital bedroom.
As I lay in my daughter’s bed, I hear his deliberate footsteps as he walks across the shiny wooden floor towards our master bathroom.
It is now 11:23 pm
I text my friend Miriam who will help me leave
Changing time from 4:30 to 3:15. He went to sleep earlier than usual I want to be safe
I take the phone and place it in my bag next to my bed and close my eyes in feigned sleep, real sleep has to wait. I have a lot to accomplish.
I rehearse the plan ticking the list off on my fingers
- wake up
- carry the first three children downstairs to the waiting car and send them off
- come back up for the other two children (hopefully they’ll come)
- drive to the car rental with the children
- pick up my other children and leave my car there
- drive to New Jersey
- rent a room in a motel that takes cash
- put the children for a nap
- shower them and keep them busy until later in the afternoon
- arrive at my brother’s house at 6:53 PM, exactly three minutes before Passover starts
This last step was critical. I wasn’t sure if my brother approved of my actions or if I could trust him to protect me and keep my arrival a secret. My worst fear was that my husband would find out that I was there and follow up on his threat to take the children from me.
However I knew that if I timed it right, he’d be forced to remain silent. As Hasidic Jews we would not use any electronics, even phones once the holiday started at sundown. I knew that my brother would never make that call as much as he might disapprove of my actions.
It is now 3:15 am and I text again holding the phone under my blanket
On my way
I’m in the driveway waiting for you
Miriam responds
My heart drops and my hands begin to shake. I have thought of this moment so many times but now that I’m actually needing to do it I am terrified, but I picked myself up follow the plan and arrive at my brother’s house moments before Passover, the four youngest with me, the older ones left behind.
Passover ends and the phone doesn’t stop ringing.
My husband
My parents
They all insist that I go back home.
I am a wife and a mother and that is where I belong
I refuse the calls
My brother tells me that he can’t stop anyone from coming to the house. Terrified of losing my children I head to Family Court the next morning and receive a short and curt text from my brother.
If you go to court you need to leave with the children you can’t stay here any longer
Homeless now I take the children with me to Family Court
There I face not only my husband, but also my father, four of my older children and my sister’s husband all who have publicly come to proclaim their opposition to my actions.
I knew that they wouldn’t approve of me leaving my marriage but I never imagined that they would show up and publicly display their disapproval in this way.
The shock of seeing them all there, almost knocked me over.
My legs trembled as I was barely able to stand in front of the judge as he gave me temporary custody of the children.
When I fled my marital home, filed for custody and orders of protection against my husband and older sons I was simply putting myself first. I was protecting myself and my children.
I didn’t realize at the time that in fact I was starting the process of overcoming an oppressive system. By paying attention to my own needs I was starting a revolution.
I was shocked by the amount of pushback I got from the community and my family. They knew then what I know now.
Paying attention to my own needs was the key to overcoming the oppressive system I was raised in.
All oppressive systems, not only the community that I come from have one thing in common. They encourage individuals to suppress and ignore their own needs.
Let me be clear
The suppression of an individual’s needs is not a fault in the oppressive system but is in fact an important and critical part of its design. So long a system can convince individuals not to pay attention to their own needs, people will be accepting of the status quo and the power structure will remain.
I believe that transformative progress happens when people pay attention to their own needs first.
In the United States and beyond, revolutions have literally happened when people stood up for their own needs and made choices that benefited themselves. Edith Windsor was forbidden from marrying her longtime fiancee due to rules against same-sex marriage in the United States. When her fiance died in 2009 she was forced to pay taxes well beyond what a heterosexual spouse would be required to pay. She then filed a lawsuit against the federal government. In 2013 the Supreme Court ruled in her favor, its ruling forming the beginning of legislation to allow same-sex marriage in the United States resulting in over half a million marriages since then.
Over one million people finally got what they deserved all because one woman Edith paid attention to her own needs.
During my studies as an inter-spiritual Minister the importance of self-care was greatly emphasized especially in the book we studied How Can I Help by Ram Daas and Paul Gorman which greatly emphasizes the importance of self-care for activists
Audrey Lord the late black lesbian feminist essayist and poet wrote in her 1988 essay collection A Blaze of Light, caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare.
I believe that this concept goes even deeper.
Caring for ourselves is not only a way to survive an oppressive system it is the method of overthrowing the system.
These systems continuously emphasize the importance of hard work and sacrifice and we have been trying to use those very tools to overcome these oppressive systems not realizing that the key to overthrow these oppressive systems is paying attention to our own needs.
Millions of people are in the same situation that I was in for so many years, trapped in oppressive systems thinking that if they work harder and sacrifice more things will finally change. They suppress their own desires, pushing their needs down deeper and deeper.
Every now and then, someone will approach me, often anonymously and tell me that I inspire them, that I give them hope and even though they don’t know if they’re already if they’re ready to escape they now know that it is possible.
They stop sacrificing so much.
They start paying attention to their own needs.
They stop working so hard
One person at a time, transformative progress is happening.