Originally published at Medium on March 24 2020
Are you bored now?
Do you have nothing to do and are you rewatching old movies?
If so, this is not for you. You can move on and read something else.
I am writing this for those of you who are recovering perfectionists and overachievers.
I am writing this for those of you who struggle with taking a break and giving yourself some time off.
I am writing this for you who have multiple calendars full of responsibilities and tasks to accomplish from early morning to late at night.
Yes, I am talking to you, the super responsible and reliable. The one that everyone turns to in times of crisis.
Yes, you need to hear this.
You can take a break now.
You can relax and breathe.
You can wake up a little later and laze in bed.
You can pull out the neglected art projects sitting in the back of your closet and start playing around with them.
You can just sit on the couch and do nothing.
You have my permission.
If you are anything like me, when you heard that you were going to work at home for the next foreseeable future, you started creating lists of things to do and accomplish. Your adrenaline started rushing through your body as you thought about finishing the book you were writing, spring cleaning your home and learning a new language. All this free time was the perfect time to build your business and finally finish all those online courses you signed up for.
Perhaps you too filled up your calendar and began pushing yourself to complete task after task, nary giving yourself a moment to breathe. You ignored the fact that your children were home, that the pandemic was stressing you out and you forged on determined to be productive and to feel accomplished.
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For years, I would measure my value by how many tasks I was able to complete. If it was a “good” day and I completed everything I checked off on my list, I felt amazing but if I did not, my mood plunged into darkness as I harshly berated myself for not accomplishing enough.
As a mother of 10 children and husband of a Rabbi, there was always something to do. Cooking, cleaning, carpools, praying, sewing clothing and more. I never gave myself a break. Even later on when I started working out of the house and got some help in the house, I still held myself to an incredibly high standard, constantly demanding perfection.
Coming from a family that were high achievers it was no surprise that I equated my value with my achievements. For many years, my parents did not own a sofa. My mother claimed that sofas were for lazy people and one should always be busy. Resting was reserved for after ones death she would declare boldly.
I absorbed that message into my psyche never questioning its truth. When I moved to Israel as an 18 year old newly married woman pregnant with my 20 year old husband baby, I followed that very same pattern.
I cooked lavish meals, shopped all over town looking for the best prices, took care of all the paperwork at foreign government offices on my own and climbed the mountains of Jerusalem as my stomach grew larger and larger. And I still not feeling good enough, I started volunteering. in hospitals staying with sick children, giving their parents some reprieve.
I continued this pattern for many years, always working more. Pushing myself harder and harder. Staying up late and waking up early. Even after I left my marriage six years ago determined to find some inner peace, I still found myself in the same cycle of equating my worthiness with my accomplishments. On the surface, my life looked very different, I now had a full time job and was able to make my own choices, but internally it was all the same. I only felt as worthy as the number of items I had checked on my checklist. I still had no sense of my own worthiness separate from my accomplishments.
Over the last few years, as I delved deeper and deeper into my healing work, into inner child work and spiritual healing, I started to gain a different perspective on my worthiness. Slowly I began to recognize how my value as a human being is in no way connected to what I do or accomplish. They are two completely separate things.
As a Divine human being I was born into the world perfect and whole and fully worthy, regardless of anything that I would accomplish. There is no need to push myself beyond my capabilities and be harsh to myself if I don’t accomplish everything I set out to do. I slowly began to loosen up my schedule and most importantly be gentle with myself when I did not get to do everything I had planned to.
I learned that I am worthy no matter what.
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Predictably, when I feel scared or am under a lot of stress, I forget all that I have learnt and revert back to old habits. My calendars start looking like overloaded wheelbarrows, the tasks almost squeezing out of the sides of my computer. I start making unrealistic demands of myself, expecting perfection and high standards. I once again. don’t give myself a break.
Last week, as news of the Coronavirus started spreading in my city and we were advised to stay home, my fear and stress brought me right back to old habits. I forgot that I was worthy just because I am. I forgot to be gentle with myself during this time and I pushed myself harder and harder.
Thankfully it took me only a few days to realize what I was doing and I finally gave myself permission to rest and permission to take it easy. I don’t need to write my entire memoir in the next few weeks, it’s ok if my house doesn’t get a full spring cleaning. It’s okay if I give myself a break.
And it is okay if you give yourself a break too.
Take time to relax and take it easy.
Do things that nourish you and most of all remember to be gentle with yourself during this challenging time.
