Originally published at Medium on April 15, 2019
It is five years to the day that I made the monumental decision to leave my marital home after twenty-two years of marriage. I didn’t think that I would be leaving for good; I thought it would just be for the upcoming holiday, Passover. But my mind knew, what my heart refused to accept, I was leaving for good.
To outsiders it seemed to be a rash move. Which Jewish Orthodox woman leaves her marriage to a Rabbi?
In reality however, it was a decision that was long in coming. For years, I had been grappling with staying in a marriage where I was slowly losing myself; where I was unable to be a good parent to my children and feeling lonely and trapped.
I was told by Rabbis, family and friends that there was no way that I could leave the marriage. I was being selfish for even thinking of the idea and I would be ruining my children’s lives. Their marriage prospects would be doomed and they would become the pariahs on the Matchmaker’s lists.
But on that fateful night, the eve of Passover, a historical time of freedom for the Jewish People, I too took my first steps to freedom. And just like the Jewish Nation of old, I too left silently in the dark of night.
Those first few weeks were filled with incredible highs and lows. Family Court, finding a place to live and my first taste of freedom took all my time. For the first time in my life, at the age of 40, I was living on my own and free to make my own choices.
The fresh spring air matched my feelings of exhilaration as I began to feel the first taste of freedom. No longer did I feel confined and trapped. I was now an independent woman and able to make the choices that were good for me and my children.
The squeals of delight in the children’s eyes as they swung on the swings during the time I had newly carved out for them during the long Sabbath meal, symbolized our newfound freedom.
Over the next several months, things began to shift and different thoughts started coming up for me. I had left a bad marriage, but I still felt trapped. Happiness often eluded me. I rarely allowed myself a moment of rest.
What did freedom mean anyway?
For the first time in my life, I was able to make my own choices. But did I even know what I wanted?
It soon became clear to me that finding the freedom inside of me was a journey just as difficult and fraught with danger as taking my first steps to freedom. I was reminded of an axiom I had heard long ago.
“You can take the slave out of Egypt, but it is a lot harder to take Egypt out of the slave”
I now knew that if I wanted to truly live from a place of freedom, I would need to identify and heal the parts deep inside of me that still held onto the old limiting beliefs.
Five years and many hundreds of hours of healing later, I have finally found my own voice. I have found a way to live my life from a place of freedom. I sometimes stumble and step back into fear, the years of oppressive imprinting still marking my soul, but I rise again, remembering that I have left Egypt and I have the power to make Egypt leave me.
Do you still feel trapped even though you may have left a bad situation? Are you frustrated that you are not feeling as good as you have hoped? Have you created a beautiful life for yourself but still feel trapped inside?
Here are three top actions that you can take today to find your freedom and release the trapped feelings inside of you:
- Start noticing how you speak about yourself and gently start to switch your negative comments to positive ones. Become your own best friend.
- Think back to your childhood and remind yourself of activities that you enjoyed and start incorporating them into your life. This will help you reconnect with who you truly are.
- Trust your intuition and your body sensations. If something doesn’t feel right to you, trust yourself that you are making the right choice.
By taking these small and doable actions, you will start to find the freedom within. Finding that freedom will give you the life of joy, happiness and passion which you have been seeking.
